The Riddler Answers a Question
by Calliope Clown
Summary: Ed Nigma is placed in a unique situation with Harley, where he helps her learn what she needs.


Ed Nigma sat in his HQ, musing over his strategic win he'd had over that damn Bat. He'd gotten a leak as to where Joker and his gang would be planning a heist- supposedly everyone'd be there. He pressed his PA button, a circle under a lime green question mark, and spoke to his goons, "Get ready, cretins- we're getting into something interesting here. I hear the clown himself's gonna be at this strategic failed abortion he calls a robbery. We're going to outnumber him and rout him and his goons when they invariably all gather in the safe room, and when that brutish Bat throws in those flashbangs, we'll throw in a special FLASH of my own ingenious design. Those idiots won't know what inundated their pathetic psyches."

Joker's crew waited outside for the heist, and both he and Harley tagged along. Meanwhile. Riddler himself showed up wheeling in a large green-painted electrical contraption. He obsessively checked all the switches and dials along its face, shaking a bit from anticipation.

"This is going to be _perfect,"_ he whsipered. He wheeled the machine near the safe, and motioned for one of his goons to pull up a decoy brick wall in front of it so that his contraption remained hidden. He and his crew hid behind it, waiting. Joker's crew soon came in, and Joker and Harley stood at the back of the crowd hanging in front of the safe while a henchman unlocked it and opened it. All the gang filed in.

It took quite a while for each member to grab a bag, begin filling it up with heavy cash, and file out, pick up another bag, and repeat. After a while, the Bat showed up, threw a couple smoke grenades into the safe and surrounding area and began fighting all the goons. It seemed they hadn't expected much resistance, as only a few had handguns and the rest had the usual switchblade or baseball bat in hand. Batman was dispatching them rather quickly.

Riddler kicked down the wall right next to the safe, powered up his machine, put on earmuffs and goggles, and moved it closer to the scuffle.

"While the Bat brutalizes these beefy brawlers, it's time to show these idiots how _simple_ it is to eliminate them." He flicked a switch, and a kaleidoscope of green strobelights and bizarre sounds blasted from the mechanism. Immediately, everyone in the vicinity, including his goons, fell unconscious. He strolled around the stopped scene, surveying the silent sleepers.

"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Harley ran towards him from behind with her mallet behind her head. Furious at her having been out of range for the blast, he sidestepped her hammer swing, tripped her and clocked her head with his cane as she fell, knocking her unconscious.

Here was an interesting situation. Eddie had always been looking for someone to appreciate his superior intellect. Moreover, Harley, in spite of her idiocy, had seemed more attractive? Had grown more attactive? Should we even go this route? He surveyed the area and motioned for his goons to leave, while he tried to pick up Harley by her midsection, but was too weak to do so, and so he motioned for a goon to come pick her up by her ankles while he grabbed under her arms as they both walked with the rest of the crew to his HQ.

Ed sat in his control room, musing about the situation. He didn't believe the Joker knew his location. Batman would have a better shot at it, but he'd be distracted these next few nights, so that he'd have some private time with his newly-abducted nymphet. He looked over at Harley, bound in the corner of his bedroom in the HQ. Before he'd descend to crudeness he'd prefer to sharpen her mind a bit.

"Whoevah you are, you ain't gonna keep me here for long! Mistah J's gonna come here and save me, then he's gonna tear ya a new one, ya green bozo!" Ed sauntered over to Harley and bent down so that he was a bit above her, then instructed, "Your () has neither the means nor the motivation to rescue you. You might not understand it, but you're merely a showpiece of his in the shadow of his grand scheme."

"That's not true!" retorted Harley. "Mistah J loves me and he'll get me out real soon."

"Then why hasn't he saved you now? Why is it that he has never personally removed you from any predicament you've been placed in?"

"I dunno- that BAT's usually the one to do it, and he always saves me before Mistah J can."

"Then why is it that the man whom you claim has his interests vested principally in you never is able to put his mind forward towards you when you need him most, despite his capability in locating most of anyone. Maybe he wants a break from you. How many times has he said. 'Go away, you're bothering me.'? If he really 'loves' you as much as you say he does, then let him come and save you. After a while, you'll realize he has other things on his mind than _your_ idiocy." He then left her, shut the door, and just to spurn her, walked to the powerbox and turned off the light in his bedroom. He simply slept in the HQ.

After spending a morning checking up on Gotham happenings from his sources, he went to check on Harley. She seemed calmer now, since the anger from getting captured appeared to have worn off.

"A full night of waiting," remarked Ed, "and no pale-faced idiot to be seen. Still convinced your White Knight's coming to save you?"

"I sure hope so," replied Harley. "At least that Bat won't be able to find me down here. But do ya really think Mistah J really… (Harley looked down and grew quieter still) doesn't _love_ me? All those times he'd spend time with me, he'd always say he did."

"Didn't he say he'd protect you? Yet look at where you are now." Harley didn't say a word.

"Look at this photo I received in a feed this morning. Are you so feebly minded as to not see that your beloved 'Mistah J' doesn't seem the least bit put off by your not being with him? It's the perfect illustration of your relationship. Tell me, what is he holding?"

"A bag of cash." stated Harley. "That always puts him in a good mood. He always buys me things. I wish he were here now."

"What I want you to get through your head," insisted Ed "is not that he's in a good mood because of the money, but that he's in a good mood _in spite of you._ Why don't you think about that for a while?" Harley remained silent as he walked through the door. Nigma continued his operations, but waited an entire day before returning to Harley. He left her water and a sandwich, and there was a bathroom adjoining his bedroom.

He came back that afternoon. Harley was completely crumpled, her makeup entirely faded by now. Her eyes and nose were red, and her head was buried under her hands between her knees. She barely looked up at Ed when he came in and tapped her with his cane.

"I guess he _doesn't_ love me, then. I'm nobody's girl."

"There is no chance that anyone will come to your aid. It's only you here, you and your own feeble mind. And what's an idiot worth with only their empty skull? You're less than 'nobody's girl'. You are _nothing._ And so that man you called your boyfriend never loved you- no one can love something that _doesn't._ You never crossed his mind and so will never cross it again. You are gone from his memory and his future. Forget him."

Harley, for the first time, began openly sobbing in front of Nigma, who simply stared at her for the good part of an hour or so as she shamefully wept herself to sleep, at which point Nigma left, similarly closing the door and turning off the light.

Harley'd hoped for some solace in slumber, but even then she was abandoned. She dreamt that she was out of the HQ, back with her J in their hideout, and that she was lying in her lover's arms, eyes closed, telling him all about the merely passing nightmare and how relieved she was to be with him. She dreamt that he'd whispered to her that he did indeed love her and that she was everything to him. And for the first time in the days she'd been kept captive, she felt content. But the dream went on: the instant she opened her eyes, her long-lost master looked at her with pure disownership and flung her into the air, where Riddler smacked her out of the sky and down into the bedroom in Riddler's HQ where she lay, and at that moment she woke up overcome with the realization that the situation was purely hopeless. Then, she resorted to bawling and moaning for the rest of the night's hours.

Later that evening, Nigma returned, physically weary after setting up traps and riddler trophies all over Gotham (it _had_ to be him that did it; the henchmen would inevitably break either the equipment or themselves). Mentally, though, he was as sharp as ever, and had some new points to make to his captive.

"Rouse yourself, you disgusting, disowned, dove." His voice sounded ever so slightly different, almost implacably so, but Harley noted something much more distinct, flinching at the first word. He gently closed the door behind him, just a gentle push with his fingertips, as he stepped closer to the cowering captive clowness. Speaking with a deliberate softness, he crouched about 2 feet away from Harley as he began.

"My dear, I'm sorry about what I- admittedly rather cleverly- led you to believe. I had a bit of a frustrating day, and I had to take it out on someone. I'm sure the Joker loves you- why would he be racking up all those riches if not to fund a search and rescue for you? Just because I happen to be a step- more accurately, a marathon- ahead of his best and brightest doesn't mean he's not out there looking."  
Harley's head raised slightly. The light caught the shine of fresh tears on her face as she spoke- unsteadily, a far cry from the obnoxious confidence she'd displayed when she first arrived in the lair.

"Really?"

"Certainly. In fact, I have here a text message from your Mister J himself saying that he puts complete faith in me to protect you.."

"But does he love me?"

"Here are all his messages. He's fully invested in your safety, at least." Harley moaned dejectedly.

"But I want someone to love me!"

" _I_ can assure you, my little conundrum, that _I_ love you even beyond the realm of 'protection'".

"Aw, Eddie, I appreciate that," she purred, sidling up to him, as he pulled down her skirt and started massaging her until she fell asleep. She woke up an hour later to him pacing in front of her, on his smartphone as usual, and told him she was thirsty.

"Thirsty? Here's some hydration I can provide." He grabbed her chin, gently pulled her mouth open, and began rubbing himself against the inside of her mouth, until about a minute later, when he _did_ provide.

"Did your _Mister J_ provide anything of _that_ sort? Or was he too myopic to realize his or your needs?" Ed then grabbed his cane and inserted it in Harley while he himself entered once again but from behind.

"Did your _Mister J_ ever do _this?!_ Did he see the excruciatingly clear potential you asked through your non-stop pandering which he didn't answer for you? Did he ever realize that someone like _me_ would be able to provide with even one _second_ of time a billion-times better companionship than his? (Harley was bleeding profusely at this point and crying for Ed to stop.) Did he realize how much more eons of _intelligent fostering_ I'd be able to give through my superior _insight?_ Did he realize how much _smarter_ I am than he is, that I could burn away all this hypnotism he's put on you over the years with just a _spark_ of my mind's magnanimity?! (Harley was now screaming with pain and the blisters he'd made were starting to burst) Did he realize I'm _better_ than him?!" Harley's breathing slowed down, her vision dulled, and she felt her consciousness fade from the pain and blood loss, as she could utter nothing but a pained intake of cold air as she woke up upon the bank's floor, and saw no one but herself and the Riddler and his machine beginning to power down. She expected to see blood all over her legs, but instead only saw herself drenched in hot sweat, and she looked up in a mixture of awe and fear at the Riddler, who handed her his calling card and whispered to her, "I know what you _really_ want," as he strutted away from the still-shaking Harley who saw no Joker to console her, but only the man who was smart enough to know her best.


End file.
